Choices, Self Loathing and More

Did you ever have the opportunity to hear "that guy" who makes all the decisions, compromises, sacrifices that makes his life the way it is and then still complains when things don't work out? I call that the ole cliche of "you make the bed, you sleep in it." I really despise that guy, hence, therefore I must hate myself cause I do it all the time now.

Luckily for me my inflated ego doesn't allow me to hate myself that much. I mean I am my own worst critic, but I also am good at making up my own list of excuses. So what sacrifices did I make? Well only one really. I quit training to de-stress my life in 2011 for school and family. But I still did a handful of races. Not one of them with any miles to speak of (excuse list entry).

My life in 2010 was so stressful every day I knew I couldn't do that to myself for another year. I felt at times I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had the shakes sometimes. b-b-b-bad stuff. Getting my teaching license with full time online school at night and all that that entails, field work for school, working this super, mega, ultra ass kicker of a job working on foreclosed homes, daddy and husband duty and the rest. Something had to give. I chose to give up training.

So every time I raced out came the excuse list. Nothing original: I havent ridden in weeks, I havent done any intervals, my longest ride has been 50 miles - three months ago, I'm gonna get dropped in the first few miles, I'm 5, 7, 8, 10 pounds over weight, yada, yada, yada. I wasnt trying to make excuses really, more managing and lowering to the lowest level possible expectations.

Turns out I placed a lot and won money a lot this year. Bizaare I know. Every time  apologizing to team mates I couldn't do more and trying to explain I just got lucky, I am out of shape. The pre and post race apology lists being used. But I did have my limits. I have no recovery. I literally need a week to recover from one race and if I race or ride hard again in two days I can feel it big time. I cant climb very well and my top end power is non existent. Oops, there I go again with the self deprecation. See it is annoying isn't it?

So anyways I learned I still love racing my bike this year. So with student teaching this fall, Praxis tests to get my license coming up in a few months I hope to have a "normal" life sometime in 2012. With that a new beginning is also in order I think. I have joined my very good friends on the R.R. Donnelley/Spin race team starting with cyclocross and then the 2012 road season. I had a great run with Torelli and then Carbon Racing, but this is a change that comes from the heart as much as from the flames of competition.

Hope to see you all on the cyclocross circuit, you know when I can fit them in between not riding or training. I will have my excuse list for sure and you can tell me to just sleep in my bed cause I made it!!